Knee Injuries are phun..#4.,.
For those of you still reading this, here's my latest story...
On Friday, I had an unfortunate accident while dismounting a bar stool. Despite varsity lettering in bar stool dismount, I executed poor form and ended up spraining my knee. I knew things were bad when my knee cap was 3 inches east of its proper location, and my friends were hovering over me in disgusting disbelief. I forced it back in (thank you whiskey), and utilized unknown forearm muscles to hoist myself back up to a bar stool. Luckily, I was drunk enough to hobble out to a cab and go home.
Now at this point, the girlfriend, who I can only describe as the most amazing girlfriend in the world, took complete control over my survival. She fed me vodka until I passed out, walked my dog, woke me up, fed me advil, walked my dog, made me dinner, walked my dog, and harassed me about going to the hospital, which I would have never done except she had supreme bargaining power.
Sunday my best friend woke up, extremely hungover of course, to drive me to the GW ER. I fucking hate hospitals, but I have to say, it was relatively not so painful. Except when the doctor says, does this hurt? Here's a hint: the answer is always yes. They gave me a knee brace, some Percocet, and sent me on my way. Keep in mind, I never complained about pain. Because I'm Irish.
After two days of being confined to a couch, I have to say, I have the best girlfriend and dog in the world. Bacon sacrificed his long daily walks for some gentle spooning and Lifetime movies. My girlfriend sacrificed any idea of me as a rough and tough hardass to feed spagetti-Ohs to her invalid boyfriend. So, I'm pretty lucky I guess.
Despite my prognosis of healing in 4-6 weeks, I'm already walking on my own. So maybe I'm tougher than people think. That doesn't mean I don't want to spoon with Bacon. Mario Lopez is a great actor. And if you think you're tough? Try taking a crap without bending one of your knees. I hope you have a large bathroom and a wiper.
RCR
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Reader Comments (7)
Illnesses and injuries are great relationship tests. When I had knee surgery many years ago, and my ex spent weekend afterwards out of town (while I was still confined to my couch and doped up on percocets), I knew he was a total dick.
Girlfriend and Bacon are clearly not dicks.
I sympathize with you.
I assume taking a dump with one good leg forces you to work the toilet like a gymnast on the parallel bars - hoisting himself up by balancing only with his arms while he swings around the apparatus prior to dismounting with some wild flourish.
K - yeah, she said she knew I would do the same for her, which is true, but so rarely do you encounter that kind of faith.
Phil - let's just say, once you land, you have to tuck the equipment down in.
If you're walking on the streets of baltimore and a mysterious looking man says "perks perks" in a deep mumble, he's offering percocets.
I winced heavily just reading this. If one can wince heavily. Whatever. There was a great deal of wincing.
Get an ottoman in your bathroom, like I have. It's sweet.
I twisted my knee last weekend wearing stilettos on lumpy lawn. I am sitting here rubbing said knee as I read this. I feel your knee pain. Figuratively and literally.
And Phil? As long as he sticks his landing. I have no idea what that means regarding the above, but it sounds faintly vulgar.