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No, I Don't Want A Penis Cookie

I *loathe* bachelorette parties.  Loathe.  If I owned a bar, the minute I saw a tiara, veil, or penis-shaped anything I would tell them to get the hell out.  It's always the most annoying group of girls too: half of them are the quiet stay at home types that can't hold their liquor and thus become anything but quiet, and the other half are the single "good time" friends that can typically be found disseminating STDs at Rumors.   Invariably, the only cute one is the bride to be.  But frankly, no girl looks cute sipping a drink through a penis straw.  It's always about penises and making guys take off their boxers.  I don't get the logic there: my friend is getting married, so let's go out and act like classless sluts?  Is that it?  Christ, go to a strip club - that's what they're for.  There's no need to ruin everyone else's night at the bar.  And don't get me started on the drinks.  No, the local dive bar doesn't have whipped cream for the blowjob shots that you ordered.  Surprised?  Yeah, order a martini, that will go well with the penis-shaped cookie that you're noshing on. 

So... I guess you now know how my Saturday night went.  One of the girls tried to initiate conversation with me when she came up to the bar to get drinks.  Her opening line?  "You look depressed."  I was, in fact, not depressed, and I'm pretty sure I looked completely normal.  This is a horrible, horrible opening line - I don't know what kind of response she expected, or where she thought the conversation could go from there.  Luckily, I had just paid my tab so I was able to walk away without a substantive response.  But seriously, ladies, just because a guy is sitting at the bar and not lavishing attention on your little whore party doesn't mean he's depressed.  And if he is, maybe it's because of you.

Posted on Monday, July 10, 2006 by Registered CommenterRCR | Comments31 Comments | References3 References

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Reader Comments (31)

Your best work always comes from your darkest moods, RCR.
Jul 11, 2006 at 10:26AM | Unregistered CommenterKathryn
Bachelorette parties are one more reason why I will elope without telling anyone and get married at City Hall or something.
Jul 11, 2006 at 11:41AM | Unregistered CommenterSally
Yeah I'm not a fan of them either. I got dragged out to one for a friend who was getting married not too long ago. The maid of honor had decided that we were going to hire this service (which basically consisted of a guy driving us around in a van to different predetermined bar locations). Imagine my horror when we pulled up at Eyebar, where I knew a blogger happy hour was also taking place. Not so cool.
Jul 11, 2006 at 12:54PM | Unregistered CommenterSweet
penis straws should be restricted to home use only. The same goes for penis pinatas.
Jul 11, 2006 at 01:03PM | Unregistered Commentermyrna the minx
It's even better when you get to be the bartender for this crap. We can see them approaching from about 20 yards away. I believe, "Jesus, kill me now," was the phrase my partner in pouring said the last time.

"I'm sorry, ladies. I'd really love to be a part of your cheese dick list, but I have a crowded bar of people who want drinks out of glassware, not my belly button. Thanks anyway."
Jul 11, 2006 at 02:48PM | Unregistered Commenterneckfro
i attended (aka: suffered through) one recently where we went to a club that contained about a dozen other bachelorette parties that night. the brides-to-be were pretty much looking each other up and down judging one another based on their cheesy bachelorette accessories - "ugh, did you see her tiara/pin/sash/garter belt?!? it was so trashy looking".
the icing on the cake was me getting the “you look depressed/why aren’t you having a good time” comments because i was the only one of the group that wasn’t partaking in the ‘tasks’ portion. if only i had one of those penis straws to poke in my eye…
Jul 11, 2006 at 03:27PM | Unregistered Commenterberry-licious
Bachellorette parties aren't my style and I do agree they lack class, but don't you think your pointing a judging finger. Think about the activities most men take part in a weekly basis that are equally gross and obscene.
Jul 12, 2006 at 10:30AM | Unregistered Commenterone_brilliant_mind
Are you suggesting that I'm judgmental? What a proposterous accusation. Well I never.

Look, I've never heard of a man walking into a bar and offering a girl a vagina cookie. Not saying, just saying.
Jul 12, 2006 at 11:25AM | Registered CommenterRCR
hmmmm . . . you do sound depressed . . .maybe she was on to something . . .or maybe she's a shrink . . .sounds like a missed opportunity for some much needed free mental counseling
Jul 12, 2006 at 12:08PM | Unregistered CommenterMakes sense
And you sound like you're an idiot.
Jul 12, 2006 at 12:40PM | Registered CommenterRCR
One_Brilliant_Mind: If you are brilliant, use correct grammar. "you are" or you're, not your. Thank you.
Jul 12, 2006 at 04:26PM | Unregistered CommenterRudy and Blitz

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