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10 Reasons Why You Might Be An Alcoholic

  1. You eat dinner not because you're hungry, but because you "need a good base."
  2. Your bartender knows your name... and your problems with your job, women, life, and is all around qualified to write your biography.
  3. You consider people who go home before last call "amateurs."
  4. When you stay home instead of going out, the next night people ask "what happened to you last night?"
  5. Your credit card company calls you because they suspect credit fraud due to overspending in particular establishments.
  6. Mimosas are no longer a brunch treat, but a means to recovery.
  7. Occasionally you wake up after a night of drinking and throw up... blood.
  8. You begin wearing cologne/perfume  in a futile effort to cover the smell of bourbon emanating from your pores.
  9. To you, the phrase "drinking problem" means the liquor stores are already closed.
  10. When your best friend pulls you aside one night and discretely tells you that he thinks you have a drinking problem, you respond loudly and assertively, "No, man!  You're the one with the problem!  Asshole!  I'm sorry, man, I didn't mean that.  I love you.  Give me a hug.  Man, I love you.  Dude let's do a shot of Jager."
* For those of you who like to bungee jump to conclusions in jumpsuits of moral superiority, no, this is not autobiographical.  I have never thrown up blood, nor do I claim experience in any other element of this list.  So save it Tucker.
Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 by Registered CommenterRCR | Comments15 Comments | References1 Reference

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  • Response
    Response: Metro Section: And Your Momma's Good Lookin'
    at Wonkette on Jun 16, 2006 at 05:26PM
    In a just world “Congressional Signature Machine Operator” would be a union job. [DCist] The God damn country is adrift and rudderless! [Hey Pretty, Another Day in DC] Quick sanity check before you take the bladder out of the box...

Reader Comments (15)

Sometimes if you drink lots and lots of Nyquil, it will put you to sleep and prevent you from drinking that night. Think about it.
Jun 16, 2006 at 08:32AM | Unregistered CommenterPhil
Funny post--I got 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 10.

Not bad.
Jun 16, 2006 at 08:36AM | Unregistered CommenterV
Hilarious. And scarily--I know some of these people....
Jun 16, 2006 at 08:41AM | Unregistered CommenterKassyK
I didn't think it was about you until I read that footnote. Now I think it's all about you and you're still in the denial stage. You know, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb back out...

;-)
Jun 16, 2006 at 09:52AM | Unregistered Commentercuff
Great post--but unfortunately it hit way too close to home. I think I have at least half of those on any given weekend. How depressing...I need a drink.
Jun 16, 2006 at 09:53AM | Unregistered CommenterBad at Life
After a few people wildly misconstrued my "my friends are having kids" post, I'm adding disclaimers to everything.
Jun 16, 2006 at 12:53PM | Registered CommenterRCR
Am I the only one who's thirsty after reading this?
Jun 16, 2006 at 01:59PM | Unregistered CommenterChase
This reminds me of the Modern Drunkard magazine.

Also, sometime I'll tell you about the ongoing list I keep of famous drunks vs. famous teetotalers. For every Winston Churchill (drunk), there's an Adolf Hitler (teetotaler).
Jun 16, 2006 at 04:26PM | Unregistered CommenterSally
I've been thinking about it, and I left a lot out. There will probably be a "10 More Reasons..." post soon.
Jun 16, 2006 at 04:38PM | Registered CommenterRCR
I needed to read Sally's comment three times to see how many mentions of teetolaters there were. I clearly need to stop drinking. Or at least leave the house while I'm doing it.
Jun 16, 2006 at 07:34PM | Unregistered Commenterkris
A.A. is for quitters. And, the term Alcoholic is relative. Relatively speaking, I only said no to #7, #8, and, my friends never tell me I had too much. Hmmm.. now that you say it, maybe my friends are alcoholics.
Jun 16, 2006 at 10:16PM | Unregistered Commentermoxie
I had a similar list titled "You might be a druggie if" on a blog I used to maintain....Here it is

You might might be a druggie if:

1. Your case of the sniffles has caused coworkers to ask "are your allergies acting up again" every day for the past year.
2. You have ever listened to the full 20 minute version of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida and really enjoyed it.
3. Formula 420 is a staple in your cleaning supply cabinet.
4. You know what Chore Boy is.
5. You have ever bragged about your accomplishments in frisbee golf.
6. You have ever eaten a hit of ecstacy to "sober up"
7. You never have any food or beverages in your kitchen, but you always have a healthy supply of straws.
8. You consider eating a half hit of acid and a single pill of E "taking it easy for the night" because you didn't drink alcohol while you were at the club.
9. You don't eat for an entire day so your drugs will hit you harder when ingested.
10. You have ever had a great time in Detroit, and can't wait for your next trip back.
Jun 18, 2006 at 09:31PM | Unregistered CommenterBig Sexy
Nice list, big sexy.

Also, "much like the way a mother can reportedly have super-human strength when protecting her child, you once lifted a car when your Chore Boy and glass pipe rolled underneath".
Jun 19, 2006 at 08:48AM | Unregistered CommenterPhil
Honestly, have you been following me or something?
Jun 19, 2006 at 04:39PM | Unregistered Commenterb
Ah, the good ole days.

Jun 24, 2006 at 03:22PM | Unregistered Commenterplayfulindc

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