Rambler's Bar Etiquette
I've covered this here and there, but it's time to put it together. There are just far too many amateurs out there.
- When asked for an ID, don't get indignant. I don't care if you're 75. If you had any idea of the kind of liability bars are exposed to, you wouldn't pull this shit. Turning away one indignant customer vs. the potential ABC fine is an easy call. Bring your ID - you're not special.
- Don't walk into a bar, order one drink, and put it on your credit card. If you can't afford to carry enough cash to pay for one drink, you should be sitting at home with a bottle of Old English, not going out to bars.
- Get out of the way of waitresses and barbacks. They're just doing their job. You're just taking up space.
- Are you ordering a drink that ends with "bomb"? Go back to Virginia or Georgetown. Now.
- If you play John Denver on the jukebox, everyone else in the bar has the right to stab you in the kidney with a broken beer bottle.
- If you've been cut off by the bartender, thereby substantiating your amateur status, don't protest. This is a moment of shame. Tuck your tail between your legs, and leave peacefully.
- On a weekend night, there are no drink specials. Anywhere. You should know this by now. Stop being cheap.
- Don't puke in the bar. Seriously. Don't.
- Tip well. TIP WELL. At least a dollar per drink at the bar, at least 20% on a bill. More if a large party. Do it.
- If you don't follow the above rules, please don't hang out in the bars that I hang out.
RCR
72 Comments
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Reader Comments (72)
Except for this: "Please don't touch or fondle waitstaff, they aren't here for your sexual pleasure."
Cheers!
But I'm old.
Number 4 is good.
11. Please order all of the drinks you plan on ordering at once. Trust me, we can remember more drinks than you can, so just spit them all out. Making two trips to serve one party slows the whole thing down.
12. Never wave, wink, lean, shout or otherwise gesture for service. We see you--there were just other people in front of you. Jackass.
13. Please be ready to pay when your drinks arrive (particularly if you broke rule 12). Nothing will piss us off more than you being in a hurry to get your drink, then beings completely casual about paying for it.
14. The list of beers on the wall is there for your convenience--not mine. If you want to know what we have on tap, read it. Please don't walk in to our brewery and ask for Budweiser. Use the brain god gave you to read the selection, then order. No, we don't have Miller Lite either.
15. Finally, if you know my name, kudos to you. But please refrain from shouting it to get my attention. Not only are you not special, but now 30 other jackasses know my name too, and will continue to shout at me.
MA - suit yourself. Personally, I like to be fondled.
Matt - make love, not bombs. But yes, especially Jaeger bombs. I also think Red Bull should be outlawed. That smell... ugh, I get sick just thinking about it.
DJ F + Matt - you're totally right. As a person who usually only orders beer, I forget that there are fools that pay $12 for a drink.
Kathryn - I see people get indignant all the time. Like it's their first fucking time in a bar.
DCB - Rambler's Rule of Life #72: always carry cash. That's just how I was raised.
Booyah - great additions
DC Cookie - and here I thought it was because of my pleasant company.
Not sayin', just sayin'.
Wow. What a horrible choice. Here's another rule of thumb: If you ask a bartender for "whatever," or their choice, you will likely get something amazing simple (i.e., whisky), or amazingly nasty, like apple schnapps, or the three wisemen.